Shift – A Game About Love, Fear and Life

As if it were an act of God, the day before I’m scheduled to go “home” to Colorado, the internet at my mom’s house stops working and I find myself stuck at another café, filled with middle-aged white women who all appear to be mothers of people I went to elementary school with. And Nikki is still in Hawaii, and as good as communication has been it hasn’t been. I’m frustrated at the situation, not because I want to overload myself with work, but because I’m ready to see what I have been working so hard on, and I’m ready to see everyone’s interest in the game, and I’m just ready. And I’m feeling overwhelmed, not only with work, but also with trying to get ready to leave “home” not knowing when I’ll be back, and plan a vacation with my boyfriend to take the time for us, that we know we need, and we know is overdue. Things have a way of being put off – and if we don’t plan this now, we won’t. And then I go to dinner the other night, to a not-so-great Chinese buffet – and my fortune speaks to me – “Change your thoughts and you change your destiny.” Shift. A universal truth. I believe if we watch for signs, they are everywhere. Reminding us we are in the right place, doing the right thing. Even somewhere between the kung-pow chicken and low-mien.

i was sitting out in the driveway with chris tonight (or crying as i do again lately…)  and i couldnt help but think about when you and i used to sit in the driveway and talk and watch lightning and even catch an occasional shooting star.

and i guess i’ve known that i miss you for a while now, but tonight really made me realize just that, and most of all, it made me sad.  i dont even know you right now.  not to sound like mad – because i dont hold it against you by any means – me of all people can understand how insane life gets and starts spinning around you and before you realize it, another week has passed and all of the catching up you planned to do is still left to do.

but then i think that we are worth so much more than that.  i look at everything we’ve been through, gained and lost, and realize that we are given few people that are really really going to understand us – and i guess i think that it is those relationships that are put in place to make life worth it and keep us going.  and i’ve realized i’m missing one.  and i’d like to think that you are missing one too.

i’m not asking for a dramatic change.  i’m just asking for effort.  i’m asking for effort from myself too.  a holding each other accountable to make sure we know who each other are anymore.

life is crazy.  i’m starting a job that is a giant leap of faith, i’m moving to a new big city, i’m a single chihuahua mother, and i’m in a long distance scary-because-its-serious-relationship – and i just really want to be able to take you all of these places with me.

so dont read this and be sad – but read this and be happy that i love you so much.  just thought it was worth putting out there – because you never know what can happen when you do.

love you,  k

I am trying to keep myself grounded. 

I think it’s a hazard of working at home – with expectations swirling all around me – that I just can’t keep myself at my computer for the day – to accomplish what the other expectations are demanding.

I picture myself like a hot air balloon right now – or maybe more like one of those big cartoon balloons in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  My body is trying to float high above everything else and I’m tied down.   Everyone around me is on the ground, trying to keep me there with them, but I’m insisting on flying above.

I spent the weekend dog sitting and stripping a table and chairs, and doing work for my step-dad that I already owe him.  I went to bed last night thinking about work I had to do for shift.  I woke up wondering how I would get it done. 

But then I think of “balance.”  (what my dad tells me every time before we hang up the phone)  I’m going to do something for me.  I’m going to work my butt off today and tomorrow, I’m going to the place that makes me feel most alive to spend time with one person who will love me no matter what.   I’m not gonna lie and say I’m going to do good (which I still hope to!) I’m simply going for me.  Camp Shalom centers me and rattles me all at once in one magical experience.  It reminds me why we are here – to serve others.  But at the same time it becomes a reality check – is this who I want to be or could I be doing more?

Maybe I really am a balloon in the parade – but these things – the refinishing, dog sitting, work for family members, work for shift – are what helps us soar.  Why are we here if not for doing things for others and to push ourselves further?  If I didn’t have expectations placed on me, then how would I be able to see (and show) what I can truly do?

I guess from here I can only soar.

I’m finally listening to the Jack Johnson CD that Kristen gave me.  I’m finally alone!!!!!!!! With me, with my thoughts…. I’ve been crying for the last hour. Oddly, I’ve been crying while I’m doing yoga and dancing.  I’ve been moving, listening to great music, being with me- celebrating. I just came off the most intense couple weeks of my life and I have so many reasons to cry…and for every reason, the truth is I’m in joy!

I am so thankful for everything that’s been happening, for the support around me, for me… for me finally hearing myself.  These last few weeks, I’ve been arming myself as if I’ve been sent to battle.  In the last 2 weeks I conducted 14 blindplaytests, moved out of my apartment in and into my boyfriend’s place, finished my business plan and financials and had 7 meetings in SF in the space of a day and a half.

I am emotionally exhausted.

I’m in Maui with my fiance (that word will never sit with me- I have so much judgment around it- so my husband to be? boyfriend?) and all of his family- and although I love all of them, I had to be with me today.  I actually heard myself this morning- day 2 of our vacation- and decided I need to spend some time with me.  That would have been impossible for me in the past. I would have felt guilty about spending time with his family (can you imagine? I can hear his mom in the next room chopping up the kalbe for tonight’s dinner and I’m choosing me- the guilt I could have!) We have not had more than an hour to ourselves in over a month and I decided not to go surfing with him. I chose me.

I’m in the room on a beautiful day, celebrating me. SF was total acknowlegement. All more than positive. I know what needs to happen next and feel elated that everything is on track.  But this crying- is for so much more than that. I’m just proud of myself for making it through the last couple weeks, for choosing me more, for having this moment here to hear myself and force relaxation so that when I come back, I’m on purpose and that purpose includes listening to the needs of my male, female and child. I’ve been working so hard. It’s all been male energy and now I’m releasing it all. I’m here to nurture myself, to support my female- do my yoga, read, get sun, get a massage- spend time just being.  I’m so thankful for this time and that I’m listening.

I realize I need to play and have fun too. We went boating, snorkeling and wakeboarding yesterday. I’m about to go for a walk and explore and then go snorkeling by myself. When I get back to Colorado, I’m taking a dance class. Now it’s in writing, so I have to do it.  I need to keep everyone happy.  My child has been resentful that she couldn’t play.

I also miss my best friend who’s on the other side of the world in Melbourne. She wants me to come out to see her this year and has made me promise and I’ve been wishy washy because of work.  i miss her so much and know that I need to see her on my own. Not with my fiance because it’s crazy that I’ll marry someone she’s never met. Just us. Just the girls. Having girl time- I need that.  It’s something I really don’t have and need to put back into my life. 

I’m going to go walking and call her.

I’m going outside to feel the sun on my shoulders and take it all in. Take it all in. mmmm. Ok. heading out.

I’m at a loss of words. 

And then my phone rings…

Riley.

Its funny how hearing someone’s voice can bring you right back to another place and another time.  Riley has proved himself to be one of the best friends I’ll ever have.  He has annoying things about him (riley time, inviting the world, no commitment, etc.)  and I know I annoy him – but we have an amazing ability to look past and love as friends.

“You’re so lucky you have a job…” he says.  “Everyone keeps asking me what I’m doing with myself now that I’ve graduated, and I’ve started just making things up.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just had an answer.”

“I used to tell people I was going to save the world,” I tell him.  “When they ask me how, I just smile and tell them I haven’t figured out the details.  They look confused, but stop asking questions.”

“I’ll have to try that,” Riley answers with a laugh.

It seems after graduation we all have moved on and moved away.  We have found our own direction (or lack there of…) and are making our own lives, despite the family we formed at school.  I knew it would happen. 

But as I find myself instantly re-connecting, I feel warm and happy and not sitting on my mom’s family room sofa, with a computer on my lap, staring out the window…

I think I took a voice vacation.

It’s early (well, for me anyway) Wednesday morning and I feel that I suddenly have had things put back into perspective for me.

I find myself desperately wanting to check my email, do research, GET WORK DONE, and it seems wherever I go, I can’t connect to the internet…

So now I’m searching for work that I can do without the magical World Wide Web – and realizing that it does exist, and also, that it does tend to be what gets put off.

And all I keep thinking about is Nikki, arriving in San Francisco this morning, with entirely too much weight on her shoulders, trying to secure shift’s future in less than 48 hours.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to not be there with her and to experience it myself, when I feel more than ever, that shift has become my baby as well.

Well, not that I’m a control freak, but I am.  And I remind myself that everything in life, the easy and difficult alike, happens for a reason.  And this is me, letting something I have invested my life into, my future into, go.  It was Nicole’s to begin with, and it will be hers in the end, but in between, I’ll hang on tight and call it mine as well.

Odd as this sounds, I find myself distracted in this café.  I’m surrounded by middle-age white women, spending their weekday morning chatting and gossiping on the latest thing in the community or drama with the kids…  and they are all mothers of people I not only went to elementary school with, but then continued on through graduating high school.

I keep staring at them as the women who came to my elementary school classrooms and put on Halloween parties and end of the year celebrations.  And just as a I feel I’ve grown up, gotten a job (hey, I have business cards!) and really done something with my life, I find myself back in 1st grade, feeling lost, confused, and somehow strangely craving a chocolate milk…. 

So, I’m at my favorite fresh grains and although I’m trying to do my best to ignore them, there are no less than 50 people on broadway carrying 8 ft graphic anti-abortion signs. I wonder about the percentage of woman that actually do get abortions in a place like Boulder versus somewhere more conservative.  Guess they chose Boulder because our liberal ideals condone the right to choice.

So it has me thinking and I guess that’s their intention. My first thoughts were that this is an all out attack on Boulder.  Every corner for 6 blocks had people and signs. I immediately went to judgment because I believe that no one can decide what works for someone else.  And a few seconds later, I thought, "THANK GOD! I live in a country where if people want to carry 8ft signs expressing their opinion, they can."  I think that for everyone, their beliefs are their truth.  Their opinion might be very different than mine, but our beliefs are real for for each of us.  This game is an expression of what I believe and some people might feel equally offended that I’m implying what I think works best.

Another, super fantastic thing I saw (they’re everywhere… it’s work not to look out the windows and type) were a few locals with their coffees having a discussion with the sign holders.  How fantastic!  They weren’t beating them with sticks they were talking about what they each believed. It didn’t matter whose vision was better.  Instead of seeing anger and upset, I saw two groups in discussion, communicating and sharing.  I no longer saw the graphic images.  I saw connection when most likely, there would have been none.

Some thoughts for today.

From: "Kristen Werning”

To: “Nicole Casanova”

Subject: RE: i’m being mean….

Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:58:11 -0700

 nikki-

after i got off the phone with you , i’ve been thinking about you all day.

your sister is clearly making statements that she know will hurt, no buffer zone involved.  so there’s a choice – either accept it or not.

it reminds me of a quote i’ve taken to heart, that goes something to extent of "we must surround ourselves with those that love and support us.  who know us and love us anyway…"

i know i’m not your sister, and i’m not family, but i’m always here.  i’m glad you are open to talk to me about this.

i think right now, i know you better than most people, or at least understand you better than most could. i know that you are doing good things.  i also know that you have entirely too much on your plate right now.  i know this will all be worth it.  and when we are helping people and changing lives, one of them will write your sister a letter saying she is thankful you stuck with it.

we are here for a reason bigger than ourselves and bigger than our families, than our personal bubbles.  we’re here to do good.

thinking good thoughts for you–  love, k

As I watched fireworks explode in the sky on the walk home last night, I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to be with my boyfriend, who happens to be 850 miles away.

After my May graduation, I could have packed up my life and moved to be with him; which is what everyone expected me to do.  “Of course you’ll end up at home!” they said.

But after spending my impressionable teenage years living with a divorced mother, I had one thing engraved in my brain: live your own life.  If you can’t be happy by yourself, you’ll never be happy with anyone else.  And with many of the other messages I had bombarding me from my parents, that one stuck. 

 So I’m here, building my own life, while trying to keep myself connected to Chris.  Some days it feels impossible, being in two places at once, living two lives, being a superwoman.  But at the end of most days, it feels so right.  

I have always thought of myself as a responsible person.  At 22, living half way across the country from what I refer to as my “hometown,” I thought I had taken my life into my own hands and was fine, until now. 

As I’m dealing with moving from Boulder to Denver, working full time, being a “single (Chihuahua) mother,” and balancing work life and social life, I have realized that I may not be handling things as well as I thought I would be able to.

I have always had a parent to help me move my stuff, keep me collected, and remind me that I was still their child.  

I guess life is full of many tests. 

I think I forgot to study.