Shift – A Game About Love, Fear and Life

I haven’t written in weeks. It feels like years. There’s been so much going on. We had days when we were crying (literally- at one point Kristen asked me what I’d do if she said she was quitting and I’m sure she was surprised when I said I’d punch her in the face- how’s that for coming from love?) and we had days to rejoice. And all along Hurricane Katrina’s devastation continued to grow in maginitude and in our psyches. For a long time I felt guilty that my mind was on trivial things like color management when so many had to think about how they would live their lives the next day. But this is about my experience. It is all I can speak of. We were a month behind in getting our files to the printers because we were waiting on our Chinese manufacturers to get back to us with basic things like their address, the format the files needed to be in, their final quote and contract. Frustration couldn’t describe our angst. We were on hold and on pins and needles.

And then I remembered we were still in control. We had no contract and no obligation. At that point, between the time to print and to ship overseas, we had basically missed the Christmas season. In a best case scenario we might get product back the last week of December. We spent weeks learning about the import business, its documents, customs agents, shippers, freight carriers, warehousing, and its numerous charges and fees. Until then, manufacturing in China had been a no-brainer. We were able to produce twice as many units at half the cost. Although I felt something was out of alignment, I told myself that at the end of the day, coming from love still meant having a viable business. I have a history of not seeing my situation until it’s so obvious that everyone and everything is basically telling me I’m crazy to continue forward with it. This was one of those situations. I admit it. I’m stubborn. One by one things went wrong. They fell apart in a big way making the idea of risking the last of my finances on a company that couldn’t even reply to my emails seem like the very, very obvious wrong decision.

So, in the busiest time of the year for the game industry, we went back to our domestic manufacturers to get revised quotes. We were willing to give up most of our margins just to get proof of concept and get something out there in time for New Years- our big PR push since that’s when people often are looking to make shifts and changes in their lives. Within a week everything fell into place. We found a printer in California who came in at a number that actually allowed us to make some money per unit and we put orders in for our plastic parts and custom dies. Not only could we now say that we were "Made in America," we could also say we were using 100% recycled board product. We had our files converted, we signed our contracts, created our proofs and prototypes and. . .sent everything off. Whew! I’m always aware of what I base my happiness on. Although I try my hardest to base my happiness on what’s internal, more often than not, I am affected by the external. My whole being changed in the last week. And, I have to admit, that actually completing this process and getting our stuff out has made me so much lighter… so much happier. I know that no doubt, we will have many more valleys ahead of us where things will falter and we’ll be counting the consecutive nights we’ve spent working until midnight (actually- I really hope those are few and far between:)).

I know it’s all about my response to things and that we should live without judgment. There is no bad and good. Things happen. How do we respond? As the saying goes, "I’m just a spirit having human experiences." At this point in my evolution, I still have judgments. Black and red are my favorite colors. I prefer fresh crepes to pre-made ones. Hmmm…my love for the mountains and the ocean are pretty equal. But I absolutely love dancing in nightclubs to hip hop, reggae, salsa or anything where they seriously drop the bass. After all, I’m a Miami girl and you can never take the Miami out of the girl,verdad? I admit, happiness and joy are preferable to frustration and sadness. I choose ease and grace and experiencing those things sometimes requires a little more effort on my part. Lately I see myself as the palm tree in the hurricane. I am standing tall and withstaining the turbulant winds. There’s plenty of madness and insanity whipping by and my mind can easily fall prey to something speeding past. But I’m digging in. I’m setting my roots down, stabilizing my core and growing tall. There’s no way to exist without encountering those valleys or weathering those storms. It’s how we move through them that counts. Do we turn back? Do we get stuck and make our bed in the valley’s shadow or gain comfort in the calm of the storm’s eye in denial that its winds will wail once again? Or, do we push on through and climb one step higher, one step further until we’re on higher ground and the view looks amazingly different from our new perspective?

Last night, by chance, I found myself in Boulder at the Burma Lifeline Benefit Bash. (http://www.burmalifeline.org)  Turns out my roommate had done some volunteer PR for the local non-profit, and wanted to go check out what she had done the work for.  So, I decided to join her, not knowing what any of it was about.

Tonight I was sorting through the mail and I noticed my dad’s very distinctive handwriting.  I’m used to getting mail from the parents (and always thankful I must add), usually if it’s coming from that half, it is in my step-mom’s handwriting.

All through college, whenever I would go home I would leave behind the crazy whirlwind of busy-ness and let my guard down, and before I knew it I would be sick and spending my break in bed.

"if people are too sick to be saved, they are simply brought to the morgue so that they may die in peace…"

I watched What The Bleep Do We Know? with my middle son, the chemistry major.  Alot of the early parts of the movie were just Greek to me, but my 21 year old son tried to expain it to me.  The next day I tried the principle of visualizing my day.  I wanted to start out with something simple and, as suggested, specific so that I would know when it happens.  I laid in bed, 5:30 am visualizing that when I walked the dog I would hear something beautiful on my walk.  This was pretty specific and hard because I usually listen to talk radio during my morning walk.  I get dressed, grab the dog and my portable radio.  As we walk in the dark under fading stars, I switch between talk radio and the only FM station I can get.  Commercials, talking, and more commercials.  Just as I round the corner back to my house, I switch back to the FM station and hear a song I have never heard before with the words "You are so beautiful at night in the sparkling city" or something close to that.  Then my radio died. 

Lately, I’ve found myself spending much of my time watching my roommate’s collection of Sex and the City DVD’s.