I’ve been incredibly fortunate to work with some of the most amazing spiritual leaders of our time. I recently spent an afternoon with Gay Hendricks, the author of fantastic books such as Conscious Loving and his recent, The Big Leap. I thought I’d post the letter I sent him yesterday that recapped my experience in case it helps anyone.
Of course I had loads of expectations for our visit. I thought he’d use a magic wand to make me shiny and new and then we’d put our heads together and he’d strategically point me in the direction of my next great thing. Instead, he asked me to get out of my mind, drop into my body and . . . breathe. We sat. He taught me pelvic breathing. I cried. It was wonderful.
Gay said to take the next three days once I returned home to do nothing. Nothing? Nothing!!! He specifically said no computer… Let’s just say it was incredibly difficult and incredibly insightful. Again and again lately when there’s been an opportunity for me to seek and search outside myself, I’ve been turned around and reminded to point my radar inward.
Here’s my report back:
Gay,
Doing nothing for 3 days was a major challenge. I’m sure you knew that when you gave me the assignment. I gave myself an extra day. It was very interesting to see how on my case I can be. In the last few days my doing nothing still meant I went to meditation and a potluck, went to yoga, went for walks, slept in until almost 10 each day (I forced myself to go back to bed and know I needed the rest) and of course I couldn’t keep myself from my computer. I found myself wanting to beat myself up for going grocery shopping. I caught my little ego saying, look, you can’t be still. I recognized that no matter what I choose to do next there really needs to be an element of gentleness and kindness in it. When I made the catch I was more present as I chose my veggies and moved through the store. Ohh but that voice was a constant for me to check.
The last few days have been incredibly hard though. I’m aware (intellectually) that time is an illusion and that my whole mindset of if /then really doesn’t support me. I have spent my life conditioning myself to put off the reward or put off me until I do the work or the next distraction… Then when it comes time to just be with me, I make sure to suck up all the time with other priorities. I do this with all sorts of things and really think that I’ve had things reversed. At present, being still is still somewhat uncomfortable. At least on my own it is. I find when I have someone else to support me in dropping in, I’m there. I’ve noticed in the last few days that my body wants to rest, to collapse actually. I’ve also seen that my way of responding to that is to staighten up, go tense, and push on through. At least I’m seeing (or feeling) how much I override. I know that my creativity is a function of not only how still I can be, but more importantly how gentle I can be.
I really want to exorcise this little demon that tells me how invaluable I am if I haven’t acheived said checklist. I have been actively ignoring that little shit and breathing more, being kinder and recognizing that I am where I am and it’s all ok. At present it’s a constant practice.
I met with Paul Kaye from MSIA on Friday and he had me sit and do heart breath with him. He said thank you for writing his forward and that you two have yet to meet in person. Both of you had the same directive. I’ve been reading his latest book- check it out, Living the Spiritual Principles of Health and Well-Being, which is about using spiritual principles to heal. I manifested a bit of a cold the last two days and with all I’ve created in my body, his book has been timely.
I recognized during your assignment that no matter what I choose to do next, unless I soften and offer myself kindness, I will take the best / most aligned / perfect opportunity and use it to make myself feel somehow not good enough.
So, on that note, I am going to check the not good enough and send you something that I wanted to finish first. I mentioned a while back that I was writing in an effort to reclaim the parts of myself that I shelved when I stepped into the Self Help world. Most of it is in a notebook. I wrote this on my phone on a plane. It’s still in progress with the chronology and there are areas I’d like to flesh out more. yet here it is.
Still as I can be,
Nicole
Gay’s response: Excellent! The more you go into stillness, the more likely it is that you and the universe will
hatch a great idea about what to do next…
More to come…
