Shift - A Game About Love, Fear and Life

This is so exciting. I finally get to write and for the most part it’s about me. How fantastic… while talking about all the ways I’m combating my ego I can actually be pretty egoic and just talk about myself. How cool is that?

During the course of this blog, I have no doubt you’ll learn more about who I am and what makes me tick and why I created this game. I figure we’ll get there eventually. For now, I’ll just jump in at today.

I just came back from my first massage in maybe the last six months. I’ve been watching my cash and working really hard… and in the mean time going to a chiropractor to fix what I do to myself daily on the computer. This is the first day in many, many days where I am actually doing something for myself. Yes, I guess running and gardening is for myself and all that but I seem to be constantly doing and never really just being or receiving.

Once you can watch what you’re thinking, you’re kind of cursed (in a good way). Not only is there no excuse for your behavior later, but there’s no way to really ignore the voice that breaks in and says, “BTW- this is what you’re doing. If you were coming from Love, you’d be doing this.” So I’m getting my massage and I’m running through all the exciting things I can do with blogs and thinking about how we’ll build community and what I’ll write and and, and, and … I have to keep forcing myself to remember to be present. I have to keep reminding myself that this time is for me. Someone (this was actually a young guy – perhaps the topic of a whole other blog) is not just touching me, he’s getting paid to make me feel good… And it feels DAMN good -during those few minutes when I can actually concentrate and focus on my breathing and the way it feels to have my feet rubbed by a perfect stranger who just 20 minutes ago was telling me to strip down to what’s comfortable. This is quality me time. Or at least quality fantasy time…

This was the type of massage that in the past would have left me asleep by the time he said, “Take your time to get dressed” and yet I was focused on getting home quick so I could pick up my long, past love of writing and get you something good. But I guess that’s just the thing. It’s not that there’s a certain black and white answer to every situation that says this is coming from Love. For example, is it true that I must be present, receive and be mellow during my massage to come from Love? The truth is, in every situation, it’s really just my response that matters.

In the past, if there were times when my mind was racing, it was racing in circles trying to figure a way out of a mess that most likely had no exit. I was great at creating those. Instead, today I was jazzed. I was pumped and there was nothing even a young boy with massage oil could do to keep me from focusing on my vision. We’re getting close… Shift is coming together and I am more than excited. I think I’m vibrating and I’m actually totally cool with the fact that I just worked straight through my me time. I can’t wait to show you what we’ve got but I’m more excited to see what you’ll bring us. It is going to be stellar… Yep, It is time to Shift…

As I start this tonight, an hour past when I wanted to go to bed, feeling guilty about my puppy who is starring at me, and realizing that curling over a computer is going to hurt in the morning, I have to remind myself why this is worth it.

Shift.

 If I didn’t see shift in my life everyday, I wouldn’t justify the long hours, short glamour, and blind faith that everyone else will see what we see in this adventure…. Zzzzzzz……

I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” for the second time tonight.  As much as I’m not “girlie,” don’t commonly have that great of relationships with women, and can’t even seem to sit still for the two hours a movie requires – I enjoy this movie. 

 Going to a movie (about traveling mind you) with your girlfriends who will be traveling all over the world – seemed to be a good idea- especially after a long day of work.  It was the kind of work that I don’t get as excited about – the plug and chug- that don’t get to see the “pretty” results that seem to make me want to push it further. 

 But after I spend an entire day – face to the computer – I spent the entire movie watching the “shifts” that were taking places in these characters lives, which in-turn, happened to be my own.  Lena – the beautiful girl on the Greek adventure, finding herself, was me about two years ago; Bridget – the tall, confident, girl I always wanted to be, secretly fighting a battle inside, I was able to be for moments at a time and then lose her; Carmen – so true to herself while dealing with a father who has found a “better family,” is just like me after I spend some time at home; and Tibby – marching to her own beat, finding wisdom in children, and trying to leave her mark on the world from behind the camera.  That is me.  All of those girls are me at some point or another.

 They all changed their perspectives – shifted if you will – and when they opened themselves up – to love, forgiveness, reality, to feel – they found themselves, within the context of each other and the pants. 

 And then I came home to talk to my boyfriend who was worrying and stressing about life and everything that comes with it – and I found myself telling him to open himself up and to be open to good things happening, or else he is just blocking them.  He didn’t listen, I think he thought I’d gone shift crazy.  But we’ll see.  We opened ourselves to moving forward with this game and now we are working with unbelievable people, and even more excited for the future.  I believe it with all that I am.  You don’t know what you are capable of until you try, you don’t know what possibilities are there until you are open and believe you are worthy.

Am I preachy?  Am I way out there?  Oh well, I’m me. 

Little victories keep me going.

I wore jeans for the second time today; I went for my second walk today; my incisions are almost completely healed; all only two weeks after surgery. 

I could concentrate on the fact that I’m still kind of tired, I get sore if I push it, and that I’m not “better than I’ve ever been.”

But I know if I put my thoughts on negative, I know I will be stuck in this place forever.

 I went home mid-may (to eastern-Iowa) for my boyfriend’s college graduation, expecting to be home for a little over a week – but ended up staying about a month. 

Two days before my trip home I woke up with severe abdominal pains, but because of my stubbornness and lack of doctor-covered-by-insurance-in-Colorado, I did nothing about it.  Instead, I drove home the next day, and went to my pre-scheduled annual exam with my usual doctor.  I told her of the pain and she admitted that my right side felt “a little full,” and scheduled an ultrasound for the next morning.  So after drinking 32 oz. of water before 7 a.m., I laid down on the table, and as the technician placed the “thingy” on my abdomen all my mom and I could hear was her gasp, “well that’s what is causing all that pain!”  A 10-cm. cyst was blocking the view of everything else, and had nestled on top of my right ovary.  I left that morning a little rattled, well a lot, but positive.  My doctor called the next morning to tell me she had scheduled an appointment with a specialist, on the day I was formerly scheduled to go home. So I kept my patience in check, kept the “Advil cocktails” coming, and stayed strong.  Went to the specialist and before I know it, we were scheduling surgery for the next week, going straight to the hospital for chest x-rays and blood work, with a CT scan the next morning.  As we were walking out of my appointment, the doctor looked at me and said, “You are handling this so well…” I turned to him and said, “ well, I’m home with my family, I’m still on my dad’s insurance, and I’m going to feel better than I did before.”  He smiled, patted my shoulder and said, “We are going to take such good care of you.”

The truth is, I was scared, but I believed what I said.  The disheartening part was the fact I signed releases for “worst case scenario” situation – including full hysterectomy – and I wouldn’t know what happened until I woke up. 

I woke up to find that the best had occurred – the surgery was a “success” and was completed through laparoscopy.  They peeled back my ovary, but left it intact.  Three incisions later, one stitch each, they were done.  Apparently, it had been there a while, as it had begun to attach to my insides: my bladder, intestines, and bowls.  Scary. 

I know the only reason I stayed sane, and am doing as well as I am right now was my thoughts.  I took it in stride, one step at a time.  I stayed positive- mainly for the sake of my mother and boyfriend – but in turn, for myself as well. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt the power of thought the way I did throughout this experience.  I never want to forget the knowledge I’ve gained.  Today as I found myself, once again, getting cranky over my lap top – I stopped and reminded myself that I’m able to sit at the computer and that each thing I finish is one more thing to check off the list.  What doesn’t get done today will get done tomorrow.  What I can’t control will work itself out regardless of if I worry about it or not.  Only positive thoughts can guide my way to where I want to be.

I never thought I would have a blog dedicated to pee.  Urine. Excrement. 

But yup, that’s right.  Here it is.  And it’s driving me crazy.

I have an almost-14-week-old puppy, Jackson.  He’s beautiful.  He’s a Doberman colored Chihuahua, two-and-some-spare-change-pounds, and full of love and happiness…and pee.

Puppies have accidents, that’s normal, but when your boyfriend refers to your dog as a pee factory, it might be a problem.  Today, about 4:30 PM mountain standard time – I lost it.  All of my positive thinking out the window – I had a break down.  I somehow convinced myself that I was a failure as a mother; that despite all of my hours of research on how to raise the perfect dog had failed me, or I had failed it.  Suddenly I wasn’t worthy of even the dog himself, or any of the work I do, or any effort I make. 

So, after an insane conversation with my boyfriend, and even crying over the phone to my mother, I have taken drastic measures – Jackson is restricted to the “bag” (no more plush tub life for him!) and taken out every half-hour and no more Ms. nice guy from me.  I mean business – and preferably outside thank you.

I’ve realized I may not be cut out for single mother life. 

Can a positive attitude help with housetraining a dog?

Naw.

But I suppose it couldn’t hurt.

Today, as I mindlessly scattered tiny seeds, that would someday grow to be huge flowers (!), I couldn’t help but think that seeds are like thoughts.

There’s the tiny thought, the itty-bitty-mustard-seed-type, that you feel are insignificant, “mini thoughts” if you will.  But if you add the right things to them, grow up to be full of flavor, and surprisingly good on a sandwich; essential if you will.   Then there are the mid-size seeds; they are just a mystery.  They could make big or small things happen, as long as you nurture them.   Mid size thoughts, like seeds, can add such beauty to a space; but, without them, life would be plain, though we often overlook the significance.  And then there is the big seeds, the bulbs!  These you don’t grab a handful and gracefully scatter on the ground.  They take preparation, digging, figuring out which end is the top, and most importantly, making sure the rabbits don’t eat them.  Big thoughts tend to be far and few in between, and often require more energy than a simple scatter and letting the wind carry them.  But in the end, when full bloom is achieved, the beauty is worth the work. 

If we care for our thoughts, nurture and encourage them, (and don’t forget to protect them from rabbits!) and plant them firmly in love, they will grow.  They will have a strong foundation to be last and bring beauty to this world. 

I love playing in dirt.  I love flowers.  I love earning my shower at the end of the day. 

Wow, I think I got a lot of sun today!  Whew!

I was looking for a nice quote to send my roommate off to India with and I was looking through my favorite artist, Brian Andreas, quotes and found this one and thought it applied: "feels like some kind of ride but it’s turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly…" I look at all of the ups and downs and inbetweens we’ve been through lately and cant help but stop at that and smile. We are doing what we are doing for a reason. And we may be going crazy, but it’s for a purpose and a greater good I believe. So apparently life is going perfectly…

I always thought I’d be part of something bigger than myself.

I always thought I’d be out saving the world

I always thought I’d be the one going to India and purifying water to save a village.

I never thought I’d work behind a computer all day.

I always thought I was going to make a difference.

As my roommate packs her stuff to leave for the unknown of India, I can’t help but think, if you would have asked anyone 4 years ago what I’d be doing after college, Sara and I would have been in opposite places.

But I’ve learned you have to pick and choose your weapons.  Look at what you do best.  And then never stop.  I do what I do well. 

And with my weapon I will make my difference. 

With my weapon I will shift.

I’ve never had good relationships with women.

I have always experienced some sort of betrayal or desertion from my women relationships.  I cherished these relationships, but always left a guard up, just in case, the inevitable happened.

So if you would have told me that I would be spending the past year of my life surrounding myself with the most supportive, intelligent, strong, loyal, amazing women I have ever met, I would have told you that you are crazy.

But it’s true. 

I’m converted.

And have found that if you open yourself to positive relationships of strength and loyalty, they will come to you.

Everything happens for a reason.  The good and bad. 

I think it all goes back to trust.

Trust that we were put here for good.  To do good, give good, and experience good.

Oh I have to write.  This is so incredibly hard.  So we’re doing our first blind play test and it’s with my boyfriend’s friends.  No one has seen what I’m working on and I’m basically putting myself out there big time.  His friends are fantastic… yet they’re just not really the target market and that’s why it will be so great to get their feedback… because it will be honest and surely, critical.  This is a group of hard core climbers- some the best in the world. These are people that will not see a doctor when they fall 100 feet and shatter their ankle because they believe they can walk it off.  As a rule, they don’t do anything preventative.  And I’m making them play a self help game. 

I think they thought they were coming over for dinner and beers, not self exploration… It’s possible they want to kill me for wasting their Tuesday night but I’m safe in his room.

However, when it comes to a group of people that know themselves, they actually really do. I don’t know too many sports that are more dependent on mind control than climbing.  These are people that make themselves believe that they can do something. At times they have to convince themselves that they are superhuman just to make it to the next hold. Unlike my decisions, theirs come with pretty severe consequences. Basically they either believe it or they take the pain.

So, I’m in another room and unfortunately, I can actually hear them as they play.  This is our first of 15 blind play tests where we are looking to see if people can play based on the way the rules are set up. We’ve probably tested 70 plus times over the last 3 years but I was present at every one and although it would be fun to play with everyone, it’s not possible for me to facilitate every game.  We are video taping (I think they thought I was crazy when I made them sign a release) and although I’ll see all this later… I’m sitting in the next room hearing their experience.  Uggh.

It is so incredibly hard to pull my identity out of the game.  Although this is in some ways my baby and I’ve been pregnant for a long, long time, I need to disassociate myself from it.  My boyfriend’s friends don’t really know me and they might be hating this game, but I must remind myself, it doesn’t mean they think I suck or hate me…  Or even if they go home tonight judging me saying- “dude, what do you think of his girl? Kind of out there, huh?” it doesn’t mean that that’s my truth.

I’m actually quite proud of my willingness to hear criticism and have been amazed at how when I’ve played the game in life things have cruised.  Last September I went to San Francisco to play with “the peeps” (these are the people I used to study A Course in Miracles with).  These are people that have explored all the Universal principles and have spent the last many years of their lives doing their best to walk their talk. 

Last September the game was incredibly complex. It had been incredibly complex for the better part of two years because we had the coolest game dynamics.  Problem was, they were so cool that no one could figure them out. So I walked in to play test with the Peeps and the first thing they said was, “Where’s the Love and the Fear?”  I had spent forever trying to come up with language that didn’t offend people. I had had so much resistance to those two words, Love and Fear, that I had done everything from look into Kanji symbols to try and make up new words to make them less threatening.  Eventually I settled on the state of Oh No! and Oh Yeah!.

My peeps pointed out the fallacy in my thinking.  I had said the following, “Love and Fear are too threatening. I want to trick people into having the experience of witnessing their thoughts and seeing that they create their reality. To do that, I need to dumb it down so the masses can have an experience of it too.”  Whew, they set me straight!

It was perfect. They said quite succinctly, “Spirit need not trick anyone.”  They said, “Create it in its highest form and it will attract on its own merit.” I actually cried during that play test and since September, we have designed an entirely new game whose objective is to move from Fear to Love… Everything is different- the game dynamics, the look and feel, the language… everything.

Just walked out there for a sec cause the tape stopped and someone said, “Hey let’s play Scrabble.”  My little ego wants to keep me locked away in here all night and not ask them to fill out their evaluation forms.  I know the game is not for everyone…and as I told Kristen the other day when she asked if I thought Shift would save the world, my hope is that Shift gets one person to think differently.  And when I think of it that way, it seems totally doable. If just one person plays and starts to see how they’re thinking… or sees they’re coming from Fear and decides to see the situation differently, then we’ve succeeded.  So tonight I’ll keep with that thought and remind myself that even if this isn’t their deal… they’ve been laughing all night… and for that I am relieved…aaahhh…