Shift - A Game About Love, Fear and Life

First thing I did today was see my Oprah magazine and the issue was all about creating time for you.  So, I decided not to get on my computer before brushing my teeth. I decided that I’d actually go for a run and show up late for work.  I am the boss. 

I went to this trail that I’ve passed numerous times and always wondered about. Thought I’d do some exploration today.  It was gorgeous.  It’s been in the 90s here in Boulder so this morning we were probably well into the 80s already but, as a Miami girl, it felt positively luxurious given there was no humidity. If you haven’t been informed, Boulder is always ranked one of the top places to live, because of its insane landscape and the wealth of activities that landscape provides.  

This path started off along Boulder Creek. I never realized it went this far East.  It was wide and flowing here and the path was sheltered with a canopy of old Cottonwoods.  I find I’m always curious about what’s around the next bend.  Because of that, I’ve been assumed missing because it’s very easy for me to spend hours walking by myself without a thought of turning back. 

Every turn on this path revealed a more compelling landscape.  Turns out I was in a wetlands area that I didn’t know existed. So, I’m walking alone- no one on the path my entire walk- with ponds, large ponds with egrets and such, on either side of me and straight ahead I’m looking at the Continental Divide.  At other turns the picture looks like this, lake, and behind said lake, epic 2000 ft. rock formations, the Flatirons… or turn again and another lush lake with the white-capped peaks of Long’s Peak in the distance.  I may need to attach pics at a later date to give you some understanding of what I just experienced. 

And, all I could think as I walked and took in my surreal surroundings was, “I walk in gratitude.  I walk in gratitude.  Love is the way I walk in gratitude.”  What a way to start my day.  I am so thankful to be here, in this life, in Boulder, living my dream, making my vision a reality and surrounded by so much love and beauty.  Life is good. 

Ha!  My lack mentality permeates everything.  I think I’ve really got this abundance thing down. I trust that the universe will provide all for me… oh yeah…  But do I really?  I noticed the razor I was using at my boyfriend’s house today.  I can’t remember when I thought it cool to bring my stuff to his house, perhaps 9 months ago?  Who knows.  What’s crazy is, I’ve been using that same razor for 9 months- the same DISPOSABLE razor. Wondering at what point I’ll feel satisfied with its use and grant myself the luxury of buying a new one.  ABUNDANCE NIKKI…

What else? I am consistent at being inconsistent.  You can see this in my blog posts. The things I need to do daily I do somewhat less often.  I’m really good at attempting to be consistent and I can be pretty right on for a month or so and then I slack.  I’m a slacker. The last time I quit smoking ( I actually did this pretty infrequently except when I drank) was last year when I realized that since I had quit for others before, I should be able to quit for myself. Fortunately, that actually took and I haven’t had more than 3 cigarettes since. I get excited to get back into the groove and take my vitamins, floss my teeth, lay in traction (to put a curve back in my neck), read the Course in Miracles everyday, do my Yoga, train the dog,  and it seems that the thing I’m best at is chnage.

Well, change is good and change is the only constant. For now, that’s where I’m at. And, as I see more and more how consistently doing certain things makes me feel better, that positive feedbcak mechanism will hopefully work its magic. I see it creaping in. I know how good it feels to get on my yoga mat and the length of time I keep at my practice seems to be increasing. 

It is what it is until I’m ready to change it.

Being aware of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it is at times humorous and at other times frustrating.  It’s frustrating when I know I’m being ridiculous and I can’t stop. I just plain want to be a shit. My boyfriend ( I have judgment about the word fiancé- it sounds a bit obnoxious to me or perhaps I’m still getting comfortable with receiving) came over and every word out of my mouth was a problem.  As one of my old therapists would have called it, I was creating “double binds.”  Everything sucked and there were no answers. I was hot (it’s been in the 90s in Boulder and I have no air conditioning), I was annoyed that I had filled in all the fields I could on this form to do a 1stopmove (I’m moving in with him next month to live in sin much to my Italian father’s dismay), and the page kept getting an error every time I pressed submit, I was sick of not being able to breathe out of my nose because of my new allergy problem… who knows, I just decided in that moment when he came home to take out all of my hot frustration on him. 

            I didn’t want to go with him to his house, I didn’t want to stay at mine, I wasn’t hungry but we should eat the leftovers, I didn’t want to watch that basketball game again but I wanted to spend time with him, I didn’t want to pack up my computer but I was sick of working in my stuffy place… you get the picture.  All I offered were problems with no solutions.  About 15 minutes in, when he was about to leave, I decided that this was really my only night this week that I’d get to see him and my going in circles and wasting the little time we had with being a brat wasn’t worth it.  So, now I’m at his house and we’re doing one of the things I didn’t really want to do- I’m working and he’s watching the NBA finals and we’ve spoken during the commercials.  But that’s pretty much what’s up tonight and it’s the decision I made and I’m getting to write and we, although not really involved in intimate pursuits are, at least, sharing the same airspace. 

           It’s ok- 4:15 left on the clock, someone’s gonna win and my battery is waning. Perfect timing.

Wondering if it’s better to be truthful and actually show you when I can’t get to my blog.  So, picking up where I left off on Thursday.  I’ve been pussyfooting around getting funding for a few weeks now. I have tried my hardest to get Shift up and running using only my own money.  And now, as we get ready to go to print in August, it looks like I will need to get some outside funding.  I’m seeing that this week, I am acting like my old self, The Independent. 

The truth is, I don’t want to ask for money. I like being autonomous. I like not having anyone tell me what to do.  And, since I picked up the belief that, “there’s nobody there for you and people will always let you down,” I worked hard at counting on only me. In the past I’d rather do things the hard way than ever ask for help. I was the girl that would rather work her ass off to buy a $1300 Ford Festiva than ask her mom to help her buy a new car. I was the girlfriend that couldn’t ask her boyfriend to get that bowl high up on the tippy top shelf because I’d show some sign of weakness. That boyfriend taught me that men actually like doing things for women. (Did you know this?) They like feeling needed and being able to solve a problem. I found that being Sinatra and doing things “my way” was lonely and difficult. My limiting belief that “no one will ever support you” was plain old exhausting.

In recent years, I’ve learned how to make requests.  More importantly, I’ve learned how to receive. Of course, this is a process. I’m now much more comfortable asking for what I need instead of being resentful that I’m not dating a mind reader.  I’ve grown a willingness to receive and it is incredible what has shown up. Kristen, our Creative Director (really our Sparkplug), showed up the exact day that my other employee quit and picked up all of his to dos for that week. We never missed a beat. Charlotta, our artist, has been working for years on this project without a dime with the exception of a few good meals, solely because she believes in it. When I come to town, my friends treat me like I’m their daughter home from college and opportunities that make me incredulous that I’ve been given this life to live show up constantly.  It is amazing how the universe blessed me once I was willing to receive.

But, you know we keep getting our lessons till we REALLY get them. I’ve fallen back into The Independent lately. I have been trying to come up with every alternative so I don’t have to ask my friends and family for money. I’m not looking for venture or angel investments because of that whole independent thing and because we really only need a minimal amount of cash to keep us afloat before we have insanely huge profits. (I like speaking in the positive).  Instead of asking for hard cold cash, I’m trying to be a good entrepreneur and American by overextending myself with credit card debt!

What’s interesting is that, even though I dialed for dollars as a successful salesperson, I’m finding that I’m having a hard time detaching my identity from this product and actually making the call.  What keeps coming up is that old stupid Unlovable core belief that says, “If you loved me, you would…”  I guess what my ego is hearing is that if people can’t cough up a few grand that their not tied to, then, they must not love me.  How stupid is that? I’ve had friends tell me, Nikki, everyone that gives you money will do it not because they think they’re going to get rich on this investment, but because they believe in you. See how it might be hard to detach? What if I let them down?

Actually, I’m not really that tied to how they respond because I’m quite sure we’ll get the money somehow.  That’s not the hard part. It’s making that request and believing that I’m worth it that sometimes trips me up.  I think the phrase low self esteem gets misinterpreted and used too often.  There’s so much more to what low self-esteem means. It meant, for me, unraveling a lifetime of conditioning and convincing myself, even if I wasn’t taught it or told it, that I really was loved… that I really was “worth it.”  No matter what the outcome is. No matter if there’s a big fat check with my name on it or a simple no thanks… no matter if I’m healthy or wealthy or pretty or tan or if I’m hurting because I had to choose something for myself that might have hurt someone else.  It’s knowing that I am loved, always and unconditionally – that’s what self worth is.

 So, I will remember what I am, Love. And, in the meantime, I’ll continue going through my list of potential investors and making requests. Anyone interested in signing on the line that is dotted?