Shift - A Game About Love, Fear and Life

From: "Kristen Werning”

To: “Nicole Casanova”

Subject: RE: i’m being mean….

Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:58:11 -0700

 nikki-

after i got off the phone with you , i’ve been thinking about you all day.

your sister is clearly making statements that she know will hurt, no buffer zone involved.  so there’s a choice - either accept it or not.

it reminds me of a quote i’ve taken to heart, that goes something to extent of "we must surround ourselves with those that love and support us.  who know us and love us anyway…"

i know i’m not your sister, and i’m not family, but i’m always here.  i’m glad you are open to talk to me about this.

i think right now, i know you better than most people, or at least understand you better than most could. i know that you are doing good things.  i also know that you have entirely too much on your plate right now.  i know this will all be worth it.  and when we are helping people and changing lives, one of them will write your sister a letter saying she is thankful you stuck with it.

we are here for a reason bigger than ourselves and bigger than our families, than our personal bubbles.  we’re here to do good.

thinking good thoughts for you–  love, k

It’s early (well, for me anyway) Wednesday morning and I feel that I suddenly have had things put back into perspective for me.

I find myself desperately wanting to check my email, do research, GET WORK DONE, and it seems wherever I go, I can’t connect to the internet…

So now I’m searching for work that I can do without the magical World Wide Web – and realizing that it does exist, and also, that it does tend to be what gets put off.

And all I keep thinking about is Nikki, arriving in San Francisco this morning, with entirely too much weight on her shoulders, trying to secure shift’s future in less than 48 hours.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to not be there with her and to experience it myself, when I feel more than ever, that shift has become my baby as well.

Well, not that I’m a control freak, but I am.  And I remind myself that everything in life, the easy and difficult alike, happens for a reason.  And this is me, letting something I have invested my life into, my future into, go.  It was Nicole’s to begin with, and it will be hers in the end, but in between, I’ll hang on tight and call it mine as well.

Odd as this sounds, I find myself distracted in this café.  I’m surrounded by middle-age white women, spending their weekday morning chatting and gossiping on the latest thing in the community or drama with the kids…  and they are all mothers of people I not only went to elementary school with, but then continued on through graduating high school.

I keep staring at them as the women who came to my elementary school classrooms and put on Halloween parties and end of the year celebrations.  And just as a I feel I’ve grown up, gotten a job (hey, I have business cards!) and really done something with my life, I find myself back in 1st grade, feeling lost, confused, and somehow strangely craving a chocolate milk…. 

I’m at a loss of words. 

And then my phone rings…

Riley.

Its funny how hearing someone’s voice can bring you right back to another place and another time.  Riley has proved himself to be one of the best friends I’ll ever have.  He has annoying things about him (riley time, inviting the world, no commitment, etc.)  and I know I annoy him – but we have an amazing ability to look past and love as friends.

“You’re so lucky you have a job…” he says.  “Everyone keeps asking me what I’m doing with myself now that I’ve graduated, and I’ve started just making things up.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just had an answer.”

“I used to tell people I was going to save the world,” I tell him.  “When they ask me how, I just smile and tell them I haven’t figured out the details.  They look confused, but stop asking questions.”

“I’ll have to try that,” Riley answers with a laugh.

It seems after graduation we all have moved on and moved away.  We have found our own direction (or lack there of…) and are making our own lives, despite the family we formed at school.  I knew it would happen. 

But as I find myself instantly re-connecting, I feel warm and happy and not sitting on my mom’s family room sofa, with a computer on my lap, staring out the window…

I think I took a voice vacation.

I am trying to keep myself grounded. 

I think it’s a hazard of working at home – with expectations swirling all around me – that I just can’t keep myself at my computer for the day – to accomplish what the other expectations are demanding.

I picture myself like a hot air balloon right now – or maybe more like one of those big cartoon balloons in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  My body is trying to float high above everything else and I’m tied down.   Everyone around me is on the ground, trying to keep me there with them, but I’m insisting on flying above.

I spent the weekend dog sitting and stripping a table and chairs, and doing work for my step-dad that I already owe him.  I went to bed last night thinking about work I had to do for shift.  I woke up wondering how I would get it done. 

But then I think of “balance.”  (what my dad tells me every time before we hang up the phone)  I’m going to do something for me.  I’m going to work my butt off today and tomorrow, I’m going to the place that makes me feel most alive to spend time with one person who will love me no matter what.   I’m not gonna lie and say I’m going to do good (which I still hope to!) I’m simply going for me.  Camp Shalom centers me and rattles me all at once in one magical experience.  It reminds me why we are here – to serve others.  But at the same time it becomes a reality check – is this who I want to be or could I be doing more?

Maybe I really am a balloon in the parade – but these things – the refinishing, dog sitting, work for family members, work for shift – are what helps us soar.  Why are we here if not for doing things for others and to push ourselves further?  If I didn’t have expectations placed on me, then how would I be able to see (and show) what I can truly do?

I guess from here I can only soar.

i was sitting out in the driveway with chris tonight (or crying as i do again lately…)  and i couldnt help but think about when you and i used to sit in the driveway and talk and watch lightning and even catch an occasional shooting star.

and i guess i’ve known that i miss you for a while now, but tonight really made me realize just that, and most of all, it made me sad.  i dont even know you right now.  not to sound like mad - because i dont hold it against you by any means - me of all people can understand how insane life gets and starts spinning around you and before you realize it, another week has passed and all of the catching up you planned to do is still left to do.

but then i think that we are worth so much more than that.  i look at everything we’ve been through, gained and lost, and realize that we are given few people that are really really going to understand us - and i guess i think that it is those relationships that are put in place to make life worth it and keep us going.  and i’ve realized i’m missing one.  and i’d like to think that you are missing one too.

i’m not asking for a dramatic change.  i’m just asking for effort.  i’m asking for effort from myself too.  a holding each other accountable to make sure we know who each other are anymore.

life is crazy.  i’m starting a job that is a giant leap of faith, i’m moving to a new big city, i’m a single chihuahua mother, and i’m in a long distance scary-because-its-serious-relationship - and i just really want to be able to take you all of these places with me.

so dont read this and be sad - but read this and be happy that i love you so much.  just thought it was worth putting out there - because you never know what can happen when you do.

love you,  k

As if it were an act of God, the day before I’m scheduled to go “home” to Colorado, the internet at my mom’s house stops working and I find myself stuck at another café, filled with middle-aged white women who all appear to be mothers of people I went to elementary school with. And Nikki is still in Hawaii, and as good as communication has been it hasn’t been. I’m frustrated at the situation, not because I want to overload myself with work, but because I’m ready to see what I have been working so hard on, and I’m ready to see everyone’s interest in the game, and I’m just ready. And I’m feeling overwhelmed, not only with work, but also with trying to get ready to leave “home” not knowing when I’ll be back, and plan a vacation with my boyfriend to take the time for us, that we know we need, and we know is overdue. Things have a way of being put off – and if we don’t plan this now, we won’t. And then I go to dinner the other night, to a not-so-great Chinese buffet – and my fortune speaks to me – “Change your thoughts and you change your destiny.” Shift. A universal truth. I believe if we watch for signs, they are everywhere. Reminding us we are in the right place, doing the right thing. Even somewhere between the kung-pow chicken and low-mien.

Well, I seem to have taken a blog vacation.

Eight Step Process

EXPECTATIONS

* My expectations have been set high.  I expect long days, tense moments, and trying times.  I also expect laughter, support, and ultimately, success.

* WANTS

o I want a conscious effort at creativity from everyone - an effort to not do things just like everybody else.  To make this OUR own.

o Fun.  When possible.  Remember to play.  Be goofy.  Be comfortable. 

o I want the world to see shift as we do.

o I want us to have such a wonderful company that everyone wants to work for us because they see that work doesn’t have to be a negative thing.

 o I want us all to reach our full potential and to find things that others do well an encourage us to continue in those areas within shift.

* NEEDS (I think I have more needs than wants, is that bad?)

 o I need understanding, or an effort toward just that.  I need to be open and safe and I really would like to be loved.

 o I need honesty.  Even if it hurts, it hurts more when we aren’t honest.  Make an open door policy and communication will flow both ways.

o An effort to be positive and build each other up. Sometimes simple reminders do good things without us even realizing.

o Notice ahead of time if schedules are changing.  It lets us all plan accordingly and things then tend to go smoother and happier.

o Balance.

* FEARS  (hmm, did I roll doubt?)

* I have a secret fear that my giant leap of faith will be just that - and though failure is not an option - that others will not see shift as we do.

* Umm, that we get sick of each other?  ( I don’t really see that being an issue?!)

* I’m afraid I’ll get sick of the commute?

* I have a fear that my job will become my life and I won’t seek to live a full, well-rounded life outside of shift.

PURPOSE

* My purpose, as I see it as the creative director for shift, is just that, to direct us in creativity.  I see that not only being aesthetically, but also in our language.  I believe in creativity as a way of life - and standing out not to be different, but standing out not to be the same.  I see my purpose coming through strongest in the area of art.  Coming up with needed images, layouts, and really, anything that will be printed I suppose.  But I see my purpose in helping with universal language and a different type of "self-help" - not the traditional at least.  But really, I see my purpose being wherever I am needed.  Creativity reaches into every area of shift.  (and as the ultimate sparkplug - I hope to create a spark within those around me!)

GOALS

* To help shift reach our sales goals by set times.

* To help shift reach a wide array of people - and to continue to think of new groups who could use the message of the game.  (To have reached five large groups by Valentines Day, and hopefully tap into a new one every two months.)

* To do the best possible job I can - balance life.  (daily - by keeping my priorities straight - I must put my own needs first)

* To see personal growth in my design skills, writing skills, sales strategy and as a person overall. (check in every 6 months and acknowledge my growth!)

* To bring the best out in everyone around me - help everyone reach their potential. (daily!)

OPERATION INSTRUCTIONS

* I need food - if I start getting cranky, put some food in my mouth, and if water doesn’t help, try some caffeine. 

* I need at least one good laugh every two hours.

* I need celebration at little victories.

* I need to see change in order to keep moving forward.

COMMITMENT

* I, Kristen Werning, commit to myself, my purpose, and to shift.

Lately, I’ve found myself spending much of my time watching my roommate’s collection of Sex and the City DVD’s.