October 7th, 2005 - filed in Relationships
Patience
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
rainer maria rilke
Kristen read this to me the other night and it is very fitting for much of what’s going on in my life these days. I’m making some big decisions in my personal life and I’m having to ask myself some difficult questions. Yet, when all questions have been asked, it really comes down to, “Am I willing to shift my belief?’ Until now, I can certainly say that I was far from willing.
I have a relationship that I have set up as special instead of equal and I’m now realizing that it’s because of how I approach the relationship. I have expectations that always lead to disappointments and even though I’ve got the phrase, “Expectations are premeditated resentments” down, I’ve yet to really own it. I want so badly for it to be different that I make excuses and deny that no matter what I try, the outcome is always the same. I have a belief that is so entrenched I’ve been mourning the loss of it.
It’s up to me to approach this differently. It’s up to me to respond differently. It’s up to me to see this person differently- in their wholeness. I am choosing to have only healthy, loving, equal relationships. To do that, it’s most likely that the form of this relationship will need to shift. And that’s my hook- my line and sinker. That’s where I let myself sink.
It’s down to survival now.
I must have patience with myself and with everything unresolved in my heart
and try to love the questions themselves. I am aware that the shift needs to take place in me. Am I willing to shift my belief? Am I willing to let go and choose only that which supports me?
I’ve created a game that is a guide to living from love so as hard as it is, I am. I am willing. Playing the game in my life and choosing to make my decisions from love (especially self love) is the most difficult thing I’ve done to date and I’m really ready to have these lessons completed.
Yes I am willing. For now, I’m living my way into the answers and playing the game along the way…