Shift - A Game About Love, Fear and Life

In honor of Carrie Bradshaw, (the one-fourth of the group many Sex and the City quiz’s has told me that I would be) I would like to style this blog as she does her column. 

Question: Why, when I want to stay in, do I feel so much pressure to go out? 

Since moving down to Denver, I have found myself more exhausted and craving relaxation more than ever before, busy with work and adjusting to life in a new apartment and city. Yet, even though I want to be in my apartment, I’m so tired, and all I can think is how good my couch feels, I feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere else. 

Freshman year of college I felt the same way; but a different situation all the same – different time, different place. Five years ago I’d find myself battling in-between closing my dorm room door so no one new I was in there, but yet they’d think I was closing myself off from the hall – or leave my door open to see the people who are “cool enough” to go out, thinking that maybe one of them would stop and check to see if I wanted to join them. 

But no one ever did. So then I closed the door. And I really don’t think I’ve ever opened it back up. 

So now, each week as Friday night approaches I get nervous. I feel like only the nerds stay inside, and those with a life go skipping carefree down the street having the times of their lives. And though no one is walking past the door looking in on me, I can even feel my Chihuahua’s eyes burning in the back of my head. 

So then there is the quote “the difference between loneliness and solitude is who we are alone with.” I look at it like I can be alone with the nerd that have given myself permission to feel like, or I can stay at home with the person I’m glad that I have become, and be happy in the time I have created for myself. 

But I could also make an effort. I could try that magical thing that my dad constantly reminds me of, called “balance.” I’ve realized that some nights, though I’m exhausted and think that going out is the worst idea ever, that once I’m there, I’m glad. So, I could step out of my comfort zone, and into the “hall,” and go skipping down the sidewalk. I could be the one to make the push that I find so difficult to accept. 

So I guess there’s no answer to this one. I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be. But I know that life is made up of big decisions and little ones, and in the end, whether I went out or not last weekend doesn’t matter. Support comes in many forms – someone opening the door and inviting you, or realizing that you need to take it easy. The only pressure that matters is that which comes from within. 

Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely. (the land before time)