Shift - A Game About Love, Fear and Life

Whenever I’ve hosted Thanksgiving, I’ve read Marianne Williamson’s quote. I love it and will read it over and over again every year. I’ve even brought it to friend’s houses and forced them to hear it.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

– From A RETURN TO LOVE

This year I asked the group to switch things up. Instead of just saying what we were thankful for, I wanted us to each acknowledge ourselves. What did we do for ourselves this year that was beneficial? How did we support ourselves? This exercise proved interesting for some who had issues with acknowledging just themselves when this was supposed to be a holiday about thanking others. I think I would have had the same response a few years back.

Every year I used to pick a word to work on, to be conscious of for the year. I’ve had Trust and Forgiveness and Play yet I think I spent at least 3 years on Self-love. It was impossible for me to consider myself first and to acknowledge myself. Self-love was a concept I couldn’t get. I might have found it narcissistic however, I think the truth is, I just found it difficult.

This Thanksgiving, I chose to thank myself. I believed in myself and I kept going when I could have quit. I saw my vision and believed it was worth sharing. I truly am thankful that I was able to listen and follow my own path and stick with it for 4? years.

I don’t feel selfish speaking about my accomplishments now. I feel grateful that I can be my own champion and that finally, I am able to give thanks to me.

“And above all else, to thine own self be true. . .” Shakespeare

Camus said, “Live to the point of tears.”

And I think I am really understanding what that means.
Though today is Thursday, I feel like Sunday was years ago. We’ve been up, we’ve been down, and we’ve even been snowed in.

I have found myself experiencing tears of joy because of people we’ve met, accomplishments we have recognized, and most importantly because I’m so overwhelmed and impressed by all we have done and are doing. Likewise, I have found myself experiencing tears of of exhaustion, frustration, and probably even a little self-pity.

But in the end I have lived. And I’ve lived fully. I have lived to the point of tears.

Feel like ranting a bit. Still annoyed that there’s no national coverage of the Hurricane that hit South Florida. It’s 11 days after the hurricane hit and people will be without power for a bit longer- they say it might be until the 21st or later. I can’t get through to my Dad who lives in the Grove because they have no power or phones. I’m sure he’s fine… it’d just be nice to get some info on what’s going on down there.

I did find a site with an article http://rawstory.com/news/2005/Nine_days_after_Wilma_Southern_Florida_1102.html.
It’s just interesting what information we receive.

For example, I stayed up late Monday night reading about Referendum C and D (and the other bills) so I could make an informed decision. Did you know that if you look hard enough (in SF this actually came in the mail) you can find explanations of the bills and the arguments for and against them. A 6 word ad just doesn’t cut it. Especially when it’s so easy to alter the true intent of some of these issues with words like, education and health care.

Anyway- I looked up where I needed to vote. I was actually on 3 or 4 sites including the Boulder County Clerks that told you where the polling locations where and none of them said that this was a mail in only vote. Turns out, I could only go to the clerk’s office to cast my vote if I hadn’t through the mail. I happened to move recently and never received a mail in ballot. So I along with hundreds of others, went down there thinking the process would be simple. The traffic was backed up down the street and out onto Arapahoe. I had to park at a nearby grocery and walk there. The lines were long and it turns out that people from even Longmont had all been sent here to cast their votes.

Only problem was, to be able to vote, I had to fill out another form because I had moved. People on line said they had been sitting there for over 2 hours. 3 hours and the polls would close. There were so many of us frustrated because we hadn’t factored in the 2-3 hours for processing. I had dinner guests coming over and although I pushed dinner back an hour, I finally had to make the choice to leave without casting my vote.

I’m griping and I know it. I just wish the information was made public. How many of us went on line and created our day going to our local polling place because none of the websites said any different?

What’s up with our government? Information is power and I guess we need to really seek it out on our own so we truly know what’s going on. We just got to be on it.

I’ve spent hours looking going back and forth between cnn, hn, fox, msnbc even the weather channel. I can’t seem to find any worthwhile coverage on the storm. If I hadn’t spoken to friends and family down there I’d have no idea how intense the storm was… been looking online to get th real story. Wondering why this isn’t news for the rest of the country.

Just want to gripe. I’ve seen coverage of Tanya Harding, the Nor Easter, Cancun and even Havana- even 3 full minutes of coverage on the Naples zoo. It just seems so odd that when 98% of the population from Key West to West Palm Beach is without power (and some estimates say it will be 3 weeks before they get it back on) and when they are all under curfews, that I can’t seem to get one image or story on a national channel. I’ve almost seen an entire hour of CNN and 3 minutes on lions in the Naples zoo?

I’ve looked online and found video from the Miami stations. This was a big hurricane, much larger than anticipated, and I wonder if that’s partly why we’re not seeing coverage. The South Florida channels talk about water and ice from the govt. that was supposed to be at locations at 9am but didn’t get there until the evening- Fema said there were cell phone issues and problems with fuel. Unfortunately they told the government officials to announce the locations in advance so people were waiting and frustrated.

I know this is nothing like Katrina and maybe I take it personally because Miami is my home town. My family and friends have said that this was worse than Andrew. Where my mom lives, all the ficus trees that line the main entrance (these trees are 6 ft across and then some with massive root structures) were knocked down. The st0rm took many by surprise since they were told it would be a category 1 or 2 - in fact, many places along the coast didn’t recieve an evacuation since they thought the land would slow it down.

I just want to see some more coverage. Seems quite odd. 6 million people without power who may not get any for 3 weeks… shouldn’t we hear about that?

Funny, I was thinking my gripe was about feeling disconnected. I guess unconsciously I sometimes seek connection through the TV or just images in general. If my belief is that we are always connected it doesn’t matter if the power lines are up or down or if there’s a voice at the other end of the line. I got to speak to my family and friends in form today… and although I’m not down there in the dark trying deperately how to remember the rules for “Go Fish” I’m with them.

I seem to have had a blog drought again. But for good reason (and not for lack of inspiration!)

I went on vacation.

Chris and I went on a 10 day trip, well cruise, out of Fort Lauderdale, to Haiti, St Kitts, St Maarten, St Thomas and San Juan. And we had a fantastic time. Though I’m still not sure what the difference between a soup and a bisque is, I learned lessons of letting go of the stress from home, the joys of sea sickness, and even experienced the medical mystery of the “black tongue,” I also learned that the bumps along the way make you laugh later.

But I realized that beautiful beaches, little shops, good food, and a tan only go so far. In the end, it’s the people that make it worth it.

On most cruises, they assign you a table for dinner and those are the people you sit with the whole length of the trip. We ended up sitting with some of the most wonderful people - each with something different to bring to the group - all unlikely friends - but all having a fabulous time together, looking forward to dinner each night. I’ve said this many times, but I firmly believe it is the people that make the place - and ultimately the experience.

So to my six new friends - Thank You for making our trip what it was.

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms

or books written in a very foreign language.

Don’t search for the answers,

which could not be given to you now,

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future,

you will gradually, without even noticing it,

live your way into the answer.

rainer maria rilke

Kristen read this to me the other night and it is very fitting for much of what’s going on in my life these days.  I’m making some big decisions in my personal life and I’m having to ask myself some difficult questions. Yet, when all questions have been asked, it really comes down to, “Am I willing to shift my belief?’  Until now, I can certainly say that I was far from willing. 

I have a relationship that I have set up as special instead of equal and I’m now realizing that it’s because of how I approach the relationship. I have expectations that always lead to disappointments and even though I’ve got the phrase, “Expectations are premeditated resentments” down, I’ve yet to really own it. I want so badly for it to be different that I make excuses and deny that no matter what I try, the outcome is always the same.  I have a belief that is so entrenched I’ve been mourning the loss of it.

It’s up to me to approach this differently. It’s up to me to respond differently. It’s up to me to see this person differently- in their wholeness.  I am choosing to have only healthy, loving, equal relationships.  To do that, it’s most likely that the form of this relationship will need to shift. And that’s my hook- my line and sinker. That’s where I let myself sink.

It’s down to survival now.

I must have patience with myself and with everything unresolved in my heart

and try to love the questions themselves. I am aware that the shift needs to take place in me.  Am I willing to shift my belief? Am I willing to let go and choose only that which supports me?

I’ve created a game that is a guide to living from love so as hard as it is, I am. I am willing. Playing the game in my life and choosing to make my decisions from love (especially self love) is the most difficult thing I’ve done to date and I’m really ready to have these lessons completed.

Yes I am willing. For now, I’m living my way into the answers and playing the game along the way…

Last night, by chance, I found myself in Boulder at the Burma Lifeline Benefit Bash. (http://www.burmalifeline.org)  Turns out my roommate had done some volunteer PR for the local non-profit, and wanted to go check out what she had done the work for.  So, I decided to join her, not knowing what any of it was about.