Shift - A Game About Love, Fear and Life

I’ve been wanting to write about his subject for months. Can you live a life of balance and work at a start-up? Or I should say can I? It’s now 11:29 PM and I’m writing this blog, so I probably loose a point there. I wanted to write tonight- needed to get it in. My yoga teacher has started a new class. Now we do an hour of Iyengar (Iyengar is known for its strong focus on alignment and positioning) and then we do a half hr of meditation. On Monday nights. I am so thankful for this gift. I’ve been wanting to have a regular meditiation/yoga practice for years and at least now, I can commit to one day a week. 

I took 10 days off over the holidays and was without email for at least 5. I feel fantastic- Newly energized. Raring to go!

The first 20 minutes in yoga were a bit labored today. All that energy and excitement that comes with me working in my jam-packed 15 minute increments actually didn’t feel so great when I stopped and felt my body. My forhead and eyes were tense- I couldn’t get rid of that crease in between my brows even when i streched it out with my fingers- and my breathing was shallow. I was panting from high up in my lungs like a chihuahua. I was pretty revved up.

Yoga’s great though. Originally created with the intention of getting the mind and body ready to meditate, it really does just that. More poses than usual in, I finally got into my body. My eyes began to tear, my back opened up, my breathing calmed down and I finally became more present. And then we did one of my favorites- the Tree pose. Sometimes I make us do this in the middle of the day at work because balancing on one leg requires singular focus. I must pick a point on the wall or floor or I’m off and I fall. 30 seconds of not being able to think about anything except pressing my foot into the inside of my thigh and growing tall. It’s fantastic.

Today’s meditation was a bit more difficult for me because we only had a bit of guidance at the beginning. I like having something to put my mind to because I’m still working on mind control and it’s so easy for me to think about dinner, and making those sales calls so we actually have some retail locations when that article in The Miami Herald comes out and getting our shipping process seamless and have the dogs peed all of over the house because they haven’t been out and… you see?

Our guidance today was to envision light in us and around us, coming in and out as we breathe, as we speak as we see… I could see this gold light and could see it swirling and moving in and out of my body and I could feel my breath move down low into my belly so that it completly filled me up. I didn’t really see it coming out of my chakras because I have to admit and I know this might be crazy for someone who claims to be involved in Self-help and New-age, but I actually don’t know where they all are… so I just thought about light filling me and everything around me. I like that visualization.

We spoke about going to sleep after redirecting our thoughts inward and having some intention- even in our dreams. In the movie What The Bleep Do we Know?, they talk about creating your day.  Pretty cool right? Decide your intent for the day when you wake up. See it unfold with everything going your way- include plenty of green lights and parking spaces. It really does make so much sense to take 5 minutes at the beginning and end of the day to go within.  That might mean reading a lesson from a Course in Miracles or focusing on a symbol. Just 5 minutes. 

So, can I put 5 minutes of balance twice a day into my start-up life? The better question is can I be consistent or how long can I stay committed? Let’s see.

Hmmm, now that my back is starting to hurt, I think it’s time to move away from the computer and towards bed. I think I’ll use some canine wisdom, do my upward and downward dogs, and vision some gold light before crawling in.

I spent some of my better years working at summer camp in the middle-of-no-where Iowa.

One summer in particular, I, along with my good friend and "village partner" Greg, had taken our cabins to walmart to pass out suckers and make people smile, all along teaching a lesson in between.  The night was getting late and Greg and I ran to pass out the last couple of suckers, when we came upon the cutest elderly couple.  Greg handed him a sucker with the biggest grin you can only imagine and said, "Have a great day, Sir!!"  He stopped and looked at us and said, "You know, some days are good, but some days are better…" 

That message has stayed with me ever since.

Later that summer I was sitting with another cabin, a whole new group of impressionable girls and one assistant counselor to help me out.  I was telling them the story thinking nothing would come of it, until once again - I recieved a letter that made me realize how important our words are.

My assistant counselor who had listened to my story wrote to tell me she was working and having a rough day, feeling like the world was against her, when she helped a man out with his groceries and, out of habit, she told him to have a good day.  He turned to her and said, "Some days are good, but some days are better."

She knew after that moment she never would have to have a bad day again.

______________________________________________________________ I’m now begining to realize how easy it is to have a pity party for myself, how easy it is to let the bad overshadow the good, and in the end, how easy it is to allow bad days to happen.

And then it comes back to the game.  Our thoughts create our reality.  Our attitude can determine our path.    We are in charge.  We are at choice. 

So I ask you, who ever asked for a bad day? 

I say:  celebrate the little victories,  find joy in the all things,  choose words with care, and make the choice…

Never have a bad day again. 

Shift is in the stores. Shift has gotten press. We are getting orders on our website. The word is getting out. The holidays are gearing up. I took a bath last night. I’m working at 6:30 am on Sunday, but I know that it is worth it. I’m stressed, I’m happy; I’m getting stuff done while the rest of the house is asleep. No matter what the day brings, I will enjoy it because I can.

Man oh man…I am tired… exhausted. And, yet, I continue. Guess my pain tolerance and ability to juggle plates can be seen as impressive. I’m aware that I don’t want to be one of those supermoms that gets everything done at the cost of losing herself. Yet I persist. I had kids this week- on loan. And they were great- so easy. I mean at 11 and 13, I could do things like drop them off at Harry Potter because it gave me 2hrs and 45 min to get stuff done. Anyway, it was interesting to have kids and keep the house, feed us, take interviews with the newspaper while I waited in line at carpool and deal with the hiccups of getting a game to market days before Thanksgiving.

So much going on. So much potential for a nervous breakdown. And, ironically, this last week or so, I’ve been faced with different, hard decisions… I’d say challenges yet I’d rather call them opportunities (this is what my teacher Dorothy would have us call it and I must credit my source). So opportunities a plenty and my true desire was to crawl under the covers and not deal. However, one of the great things about being so absolutely involved (doesn’t that sound better than overwhelmed?- speak in the positive Nikki) is that there’s no room for indecision. There’s no time for me to screw around and not make things work.

In all these situations that on there own would have been monumental for me in the past, I was forced to just face them head on. I noticed from the scraps of paper in my car that I approached each situation in a similar way. I wrote down “What do I want?” I ignored the drama and focused on, “What is the outcome I want? How can this be better? and How can we make it work? And, in every situation, I really have to say that having walked straight through it, the other side was actually so much better than I could have anticipated.

Things have gone really well given the circumstances. And maybe that’s what makes things so worth having.. the getting there. Besides getting picked up by the press and a number of other amazing feats, I held the game this Saturday. The game that I spent 4 years of my life thinking about, actually came back from the manufacturer in a shiny box waiting to be unwrapped.

I can’t explain what it feels like to unwrap a present that I’ve been waiting 4 years to open. Think I already got what I asked for this holiday.

Camus said, “Live to the point of tears.”

And I think I am really understanding what that means.
Though today is Thursday, I feel like Sunday was years ago. We’ve been up, we’ve been down, and we’ve even been snowed in.

I have found myself experiencing tears of joy because of people we’ve met, accomplishments we have recognized, and most importantly because I’m so overwhelmed and impressed by all we have done and are doing. Likewise, I have found myself experiencing tears of of exhaustion, frustration, and probably even a little self-pity.

But in the end I have lived. And I’ve lived fully. I have lived to the point of tears.

Last Friday we started our first sales calls. It’s been over 4 years since I’ve sold a product… or worn anything close to professional. I must admit I had my concerns about whether I had it in me anymore. In recent years I’ve gone to networking events where I’ve been more than happy to support a wall in the corner instead of working the room and collecting business cards like the old me.

Turns out I still got it. The truth is, selling is easy when you’ve got a compelling product. Since last Friday, we’ve been picked up in The Boulder Bookstore, Atmosphere in Boulder, Om Yoga, McGuckins and The Tattered Cover. Shift circles or game nights will take place at the Boulder Co-Op and The Unity Church in Boulder is incorporating Shift game nights into their weekly Course in Miracles study groups. I must say, having Unity implement a game night into the Course in Miracles study groups really got me. I almost shed some tears during my meeting. Oh and did I mention that last week we got a letter from Marianne Williamson giving us permission to incorporate some of her content and oh yeah, we met Deepak Chopra!! This is what the last 2 weeks have been like. We’re cookin! and we’re having fun. I’m amazed by the response we’ve had so far and am so thankful that people are receptive.

I’ve been working on this for four years and even though I just pawned off all my gold jewelry today for extra spending money and tried my hardest to make my clothes seem like great consignment pieces, it’s all been worth it. I am so thankful for the people that have shown up to support our project… I am plain ole grateful…. and I am super excited. We are just a few weeks away from getting our first run back. I can not wait to hold this game in my hands.

A year ago, the game was still an idea. When my chiropractor, Dr. Pete, would adjust me, I’d deal with my anxiety by visioning something great. Although my “adjustment visions” were often scenes on a far away beach, more often than not, the thing I visioned most was seeing the game. I remember when I would try to see the vision- I’d try my hardest to see the board or the box… little by little the vision became more clear. On the scary neck adjustments, I would vision the game on some store shelf. For so long, I had no idea what it would look like. Well, within the month, I will actually see that box sitting on a store shelf.

Amazing.

I’m jazzed…

I haven’t written in weeks. It feels like years. There’s been so much going on. We had days when we were crying (literally- at one point Kristen asked me what I’d do if she said she was quitting and I’m sure she was surprised when I said I’d punch her in the face- how’s that for coming from love?) and we had days to rejoice. And all along Hurricane Katrina’s devastation continued to grow in maginitude and in our psyches. For a long time I felt guilty that my mind was on trivial things like color management when so many had to think about how they would live their lives the next day. But this is about my experience. It is all I can speak of. We were a month behind in getting our files to the printers because we were waiting on our Chinese manufacturers to get back to us with basic things like their address, the format the files needed to be in, their final quote and contract. Frustration couldn’t describe our angst. We were on hold and on pins and needles.

And then I remembered we were still in control. We had no contract and no obligation. At that point, between the time to print and to ship overseas, we had basically missed the Christmas season. In a best case scenario we might get product back the last week of December. We spent weeks learning about the import business, its documents, customs agents, shippers, freight carriers, warehousing, and its numerous charges and fees. Until then, manufacturing in China had been a no-brainer. We were able to produce twice as many units at half the cost. Although I felt something was out of alignment, I told myself that at the end of the day, coming from love still meant having a viable business. I have a history of not seeing my situation until it’s so obvious that everyone and everything is basically telling me I’m crazy to continue forward with it. This was one of those situations. I admit it. I’m stubborn. One by one things went wrong. They fell apart in a big way making the idea of risking the last of my finances on a company that couldn’t even reply to my emails seem like the very, very obvious wrong decision.

So, in the busiest time of the year for the game industry, we went back to our domestic manufacturers to get revised quotes. We were willing to give up most of our margins just to get proof of concept and get something out there in time for New Years- our big PR push since that’s when people often are looking to make shifts and changes in their lives. Within a week everything fell into place. We found a printer in California who came in at a number that actually allowed us to make some money per unit and we put orders in for our plastic parts and custom dies. Not only could we now say that we were "Made in America," we could also say we were using 100% recycled board product. We had our files converted, we signed our contracts, created our proofs and prototypes and. . .sent everything off. Whew! I’m always aware of what I base my happiness on. Although I try my hardest to base my happiness on what’s internal, more often than not, I am affected by the external. My whole being changed in the last week. And, I have to admit, that actually completing this process and getting our stuff out has made me so much lighter… so much happier. I know that no doubt, we will have many more valleys ahead of us where things will falter and we’ll be counting the consecutive nights we’ve spent working until midnight (actually- I really hope those are few and far between:)).

I know it’s all about my response to things and that we should live without judgment. There is no bad and good. Things happen. How do we respond? As the saying goes, "I’m just a spirit having human experiences." At this point in my evolution, I still have judgments. Black and red are my favorite colors. I prefer fresh crepes to pre-made ones. Hmmm…my love for the mountains and the ocean are pretty equal. But I absolutely love dancing in nightclubs to hip hop, reggae, salsa or anything where they seriously drop the bass. After all, I’m a Miami girl and you can never take the Miami out of the girl,verdad? I admit, happiness and joy are preferable to frustration and sadness. I choose ease and grace and experiencing those things sometimes requires a little more effort on my part. Lately I see myself as the palm tree in the hurricane. I am standing tall and withstaining the turbulant winds. There’s plenty of madness and insanity whipping by and my mind can easily fall prey to something speeding past. But I’m digging in. I’m setting my roots down, stabilizing my core and growing tall. There’s no way to exist without encountering those valleys or weathering those storms. It’s how we move through them that counts. Do we turn back? Do we get stuck and make our bed in the valley’s shadow or gain comfort in the calm of the storm’s eye in denial that its winds will wail once again? Or, do we push on through and climb one step higher, one step further until we’re on higher ground and the view looks amazingly different from our new perspective?

Tonight I was sorting through the mail and I noticed my dad’s very distinctive handwriting.  I’m used to getting mail from the parents (and always thankful I must add), usually if it’s coming from that half, it is in my step-mom’s handwriting.

All through college, whenever I would go home I would leave behind the crazy whirlwind of busy-ness and let my guard down, and before I knew it I would be sick and spending my break in bed.

As the mother of four very busy children, my life-year would start in August with new beginnings and a well rested summer of fun.  As a stay-at-home-and-always-working Mom, I could plan on losing 10-15 pounds each fall as I kept up with activities, volunteer committments and the usual up keep of a large household.  In the last two years that all changed.

On 9/11 in 2001 we were all devastated by the attack of the World Trade Center.  I was working at a job I loved in the Career Center of my children’s high school in Boise, Idaho.  We had lived in Boise over 17 years, our two youngest children were born there, we all grew up there enjoying the "good life".  I could be a mother to not only my own children, but all their friends and over 2,000 other high school students.  We were the Kool-aid house.  Our friends were all around us.  We would live out our days in beautiful Idaho.

We got through that day, the swim meet and band practice that evening to go home and watch television while letting the emotions wash over us.  We were truly blessed.  Two years later, to the day, I started a new job, in a new city with no close friends or family nearby.  My husband, Dennis, had been released from a job of 20+ years in an industry where he was highly respected and loved.  He quickly found a new job, we sold our beloved home, left great friends behind and started fresh with our youngest two children - twins who were juniors in high school - to Boulder, Colorado.  Our oldest two were away in college.

Initially, a person just exists; get through the day feeling totally out of place.  Smile; make new friends where you have no history.  Nobody knows your name.  We were the "new people" continually lost while trying to find Target.  On 9/11 in 2003 I started working 40 hours a week for the first time since our first child was born.  I stopped exercising, no time for self-reflection, less time for family activities.  But, Boulder has a way of changing a person.  Through my employment, I create bonds with some of the most incredible women that I have ever crossed paths with - Nicole Casanova and Kristen Werning.

Fast forward to another beginning, August 2004.  My closest girlfriend is fighting cancer.  Our youngest children are starting their senior year in high school.  We are working hard to get them into the colleges of their dreams.  Dennis and I will be "empty nesters".   I have advanced in my job, but I am lacking the passion due to situations beyond my control.  Dennis’ step-father succumbs to lung ailments in October, leaving his mother alone in another state.  Our oldest son will be graduating from college with his Master’s Degree in a technology field - will he have a job?  My father, the patriarch, is having serious health problems and is diagnosed as terminal in April.  Our middle son is struggling and wants to transfer closer to home.  I drive to Boise one more time to help him move home and I re-live the separation from Boise.  We are working on our home in anticipation that relatives will come for our dual high school graduation celebration.  We plan our vacation to our oldest son’s graduation in California and a side trip to Yosemite.  With three to be in college, I worry about money.  All our appliances seem to be breaking.

We drive to Kansas over Memorial Day to bury Dennis’ step-father’s ashes.  I can see peace for the first time in months in a windswept cemetary on a Kansas prairie down five miles of dirt road from the nearest hamlet.  I see peace again in the waves off the California coast, I see peace in Yosemite Valley and I see peace in my father’s dying eyes.  I start to question my purpose, what drives me, my passions, where is my peace?  I pulled out my books, The Four Agreements, The Purpose Driven Life and anything written by Marianne Williamson. 

I needed to shift.  As I cared for my father under the guidance of Hospice, I received very clear answers to questions I had been turning over in my mind.  I am not a religious, church affiliated person, but I never felt closer to Spirit in my life.  Prior to the last extended visit to my father before he passed, I gave two week notice at my job and asked The Universe where she needed me.  Answers came quickly, including improving my personal time management and health, spend more time with family and friends, work with people who inspire me, be able to see purpose in my work, be passionate, enjoy what I do and, most of all, have faith.  This was my dream.  With the moral support of my family, who built my home office while I spent a week with my newly widowed mother, I have been given the gift to share my talents with Shift the Game.  I started formally working with Nicole and Kristen in August.  My life-year begins again. Somethings don’t change.

At some time in our lives, we all need to evaluate.  Being a participant in the creation of Shift the Game, I have been able to determine where I would find my dreams and I have been given the opportunity to help others do the same.  Dare to shift your life - you may be surprised by the outcome.