Shift – A Game About Love, Fear and Life

So, I’m at my favorite fresh grains and although I’m trying to do my best to ignore them, there are no less than 50 people on broadway carrying 8 ft graphic anti-abortion signs. I wonder about the percentage of woman that actually do get abortions in a place like Boulder versus somewhere more conservative.  Guess they chose Boulder because our liberal ideals condone the right to choice.

So it has me thinking and I guess that’s their intention. My first thoughts were that this is an all out attack on Boulder.  Every corner for 6 blocks had people and signs. I immediately went to judgment because I believe that no one can decide what works for someone else.  And a few seconds later, I thought, "THANK GOD! I live in a country where if people want to carry 8ft signs expressing their opinion, they can."  I think that for everyone, their beliefs are their truth.  Their opinion might be very different than mine, but our beliefs are real for for each of us.  This game is an expression of what I believe and some people might feel equally offended that I’m implying what I think works best.

Another, super fantastic thing I saw (they’re everywhere… it’s work not to look out the windows and type) were a few locals with their coffees having a discussion with the sign holders.  How fantastic!  They weren’t beating them with sticks they were talking about what they each believed. It didn’t matter whose vision was better.  Instead of seeing anger and upset, I saw two groups in discussion, communicating and sharing.  I no longer saw the graphic images.  I saw connection when most likely, there would have been none.

Some thoughts for today.

As I watched fireworks explode in the sky on the walk home last night, I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to be with my boyfriend, who happens to be 850 miles away.

After my May graduation, I could have packed up my life and moved to be with him; which is what everyone expected me to do.  “Of course you’ll end up at home!” they said.

But after spending my impressionable teenage years living with a divorced mother, I had one thing engraved in my brain: live your own life.  If you can’t be happy by yourself, you’ll never be happy with anyone else.  And with many of the other messages I had bombarding me from my parents, that one stuck. 

 So I’m here, building my own life, while trying to keep myself connected to Chris.  Some days it feels impossible, being in two places at once, living two lives, being a superwoman.  But at the end of most days, it feels so right.  

Being aware of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it is at times humorous and at other times frustrating.  It’s frustrating when I know I’m being ridiculous and I can’t stop. I just plain want to be a shit. My boyfriend ( I have judgment about the word fiancé- it sounds a bit obnoxious to me or perhaps I’m still getting comfortable with receiving) came over and every word out of my mouth was a problem.  As one of my old therapists would have called it, I was creating “double binds.”  Everything sucked and there were no answers. I was hot (it’s been in the 90s in Boulder and I have no air conditioning), I was annoyed that I had filled in all the fields I could on this form to do a 1stopmove (I’m moving in with him next month to live in sin much to my Italian father’s dismay), and the page kept getting an error every time I pressed submit, I was sick of not being able to breathe out of my nose because of my new allergy problem… who knows, I just decided in that moment when he came home to take out all of my hot frustration on him. 

            I didn’t want to go with him to his house, I didn’t want to stay at mine, I wasn’t hungry but we should eat the leftovers, I didn’t want to watch that basketball game again but I wanted to spend time with him, I didn’t want to pack up my computer but I was sick of working in my stuffy place… you get the picture.  All I offered were problems with no solutions.  About 15 minutes in, when he was about to leave, I decided that this was really my only night this week that I’d get to see him and my going in circles and wasting the little time we had with being a brat wasn’t worth it.  So, now I’m at his house and we’re doing one of the things I didn’t really want to do- I’m working and he’s watching the NBA finals and we’ve spoken during the commercials.  But that’s pretty much what’s up tonight and it’s the decision I made and I’m getting to write and we, although not really involved in intimate pursuits are, at least, sharing the same airspace. 

           It’s ok- 4:15 left on the clock, someone’s gonna win and my battery is waning. Perfect timing.