I’m over giving up… I’m giving in…
Monday, February 20th, 2012 by adminThere are so many reasons why I’ve questioned the need to continue a dialogue about my insights in anything larger than 140 characters. Surely in this attention deficit age we can say all that we need in sound bites. I’ve had so many reasons not to write. #1 reason is that I created a game that shows us why we do what we do… and a blog to promote it. Little by little, I let my need to shift my thoughts and shift my reality become a freaking treck up the highest of the Himalayas. As the creator of this amazing personal development tool, surely, I held the keys to the kingdom in my own hands. After years of self abuse, and then years of self reflection, surely I could, in any instant, change my mind and use brute force to gently guide my perspective to come from a place of love. Can you see why I’d choose to go mute?
I’ve always said that I never had any overriding epiphany. There was no brilliant light, no new dawn, no let-me-shout-it -from-the-rooftops, “I am Love. Hear me roar!” For me, shifting my thoughts was akin to bending spoons- ridiculously hard. I spent the good majority of my life in therapy, succombed by a constant need for self reflection and an embarrassingly large and growing larger bookshelf of self help books.
I wanted to do something of more purpose and support people in empowering themselves. The divine decided to give me a concept that would do the trick… a board game. Tons of people had great experiences. They saw what was driving their behavior and what was keeping them from their full potential. Relationships where healed and others created. All of the accolades didn’t change the fact that I put all of my Internet winnings and all of my identity into this thing called Shift.
For years and years, Shift became my albatross. During this time, I decided that it would make great sense for my personal development to experience fun things like almost filing bankruptcy and selling everything I had save one thing… a Cartier watch that I bought when I was a 24 yr old who thought I was the shit. I raised a bit of money to create the online version of Shift, complete with multi-person video chat. As we launched the new version, I decided to make myself so sick with mercury poisoning that I wouldn’t have to potentially succeed. I sat in bed for over a year unable to hang with friends or form words. I became what they call a universal reactor and had serious reactions to everything I ate or inhaled. I had a growing allergic reaction to everything, most of all life.
When my site no longer worked correctly or looked pretty and when I got sucked into an endless list of frustrations and distractions, I formed a growing disdain for lawyers, developers and any and every to-do that kept me from what I enjoyed most, connecting to the people I wanted to support and celebrate. I let everything and mostly my not-good-enough beliefs suck the life out of me.
I gave up my voice and continued to become this other thing, a sad reflection of my former gregarious self. I shelved Shift. I could no longer look at it. It became a growing upset. When people would ask about it, I’d cringe unwilling to discuss it. I went through a grieving process thinking that I’d abandoned my child and in some ways lost my faith in the universe. How could god punish me when I decided to walk away from all of the money and glamour to save the world?
The world didn’t need saving. I did.
I lost my shit in a big way. I found out that I had a form of bipolar called Cyclothimia this summer. I spent years and years angry that I couldn’t snap my fingers and change my thoughts. I studied nutritional psychotherapy and learned about the relationship between food and mood. That helped a bit. Yet, I poopooed medication believing that I was stronger than any chemical make-up that persisted in my family’s past generations. I also think I was embarrassed to discuss mental illness because I bought into society’s verdict that it was taboo. I also fought another mind-fuck. I had studied so many things like the course that said “sickness is a defense against the truth.” When you have been convincing yourself to believe that there’s no such thing as sickness, conflict ensues. Like the mercury posioning, no doubt I’ve created this on some level as well. But that’s ok. My moods are so much more consistent. Imagine how happy that makes my husband? I see things from the way that I pursued for so long. More often, I now see things from one mind, from love. That’s not always the case, but I now feel that I can control my thoughts rather than be at their mercy.
I went to LA and after a few weeks there decided that there was nothing wrong with money and glamour and that I missed being back in technology and internet advertising. For so long, I thought that everything that wasn’t about doing good was vapid and superficial. A thought came. Why wouldn’t I have all of these things? Of course I should travel to great cities, wear high heals and work with brilliant people on cutting edge technologies. I then decided that I could make great money (money was good- just an exchange of energy!) and then support all of my friends and their non-profits and socially conscious businesses. Surely I’d have a greater impact than I could with no resources.
I’ve made so many changes that it’s hard to point to one. I’ve cut out things like alcohol, gluten and dairy… there’s a whole list. I’ve got a new love. Where a year ago I was still depleated and detoxing, I now wake up and get to 6am yoga before work. My relationship is radically different. The pills have had a major affect on my ability to respond rather than react. I think it’s important to speak that truth about what my experience has been because it’s quite possible that there are other people like me who are making themselves crazier than they already are trying to force their minds to ignore the chemical and comply.
I’m leaving Shift right where it is.
It’s a great tool and I trust it will morph into whatever it’s next supposed to be.
I do know that I’m no longer Shift and it’s no longer me.
It just is.
I’ve got a present for a lucky winner… an amazing gift that supports people in living their truth. Who wants some great technology and the last 600 games that are lining my garage walls?
They want a new home now that I’ve found mine.
